**Note: This is just me thinking out loud. Documentation for us to look back at sometime in the future. **
Ryan and I have spent the last few months discussing a very large topic.
Something of greater importance than any other choice we've made since we've been married.
Being the parents of two beautiful, healthy, vibrant daughters... do we try to have another child?
There are so many answers that scream out in my head...
~ I love being pregnant, feeling that wonderful life inside you.
~The moment you first see that face you created and hear them cry for you.
~The joy I get when I snuggle them in my arms, so warm and sweet and soft.
~The fun of watching siblings play together and knowing that another would add to their world as well.
~The pride I feel when Lila sings her ABC's and puts her puzzles together like a master, or when Elaina puts a few new words into a sentance.
~The love of being a "mommy", and being able to kiss their owies, and quiet their tears.
~The hope I have for their futures, and the dreams I have for them...
~I barely have the time/energy to handle what I've already got.
~I am finally back into a good "groove" with my husband, and truly Enjoy our time together.
~I sleep at night. (When I'm not working, of course)
~I'm taking charge of my body. Getting healthy, fit, and strong.
I realize that being pregnant does not destroy this, but major accomodations must be made, and between being pregnant and breastfeeding,
you do not truly OWN your body for almost 2 years. That's a big commitment.
And although it hurts me to say it, one of the biggest factors is $$.
~Can we really afford another baby?
Do you know it's estimated to cost almost $500,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 if you intend to help with college?
That's less activities for each child. Less family vacations. Less of everything.
There is no doubt in my mind, that having another child in our home would expand our hearts. No one ever says "I wish I wouldn't have had that last baby", but I think a fair amount of families think "I wish we would have."
I waver back and forth almost daily.
Last week, I was feeling sure that our two wonderful children were enough to complete my family. We could be done, and move forward happy and fulfilled.
Then, as we climb into bed one night, Ryan says to me, "Tonight when we were watching the girls play, I felt like we needed another baby."
And now I'm back to gray-zone again.
What's the right answer?
Everyone says, "When you're done, you know it." I don't.
But with the girls, I had this great anticipatory feeling... hope at getting pregnant, and excitment over a new arrival. I don't have that either.
So many reasons for either choice. How will we ever figure this out?